Station Stereotypes: The Case Investigator

Whilst it may be hard to believe, a good proportion of calls to the police actually relate to crimes. These calls are mixed in amongst the far more important reports of children, footballs, dogs and neighbours, and detract from the good work police officers are doing to tackle these scourges.

So the more minor crimes, such as bilkings (making off without paying for fuel), shopliftings where no one's been caught, credit card frauds and thefts by employees, are sent not to uniformed patrol officers, but to the Crime Desk, to Maria.

This is not Maria





The Crime Desk is a jolly place where people take calls from people who take calls from Mops (Members of the Public).

Gone are the days of police officers wasting their time on these investigations. Maria will single-handedly process a dozen of such crimes each week: she sends out proforma witness statements for completion by the victims, she receives CCTV and burns off pictures of the offenders, she carries out phone subscriber enquiries, bank account checks, police national computer queries. She is a multi-tasking diva, even finding time to forward cheeky emails about the state of Sergeant Steelbutt's behind.

Eventually, many of these investigations uncover named offenders. Unfazed by this awkward turn of events, Maria will generate a mound of paper over the next few weeks including witness statements, exhibits, CCTV, photographs etc, and bind all of these into a bright orange envelope. It may sound far-fetched, but on the Crime Desk, they have an unending supply of elastic bands and even treasury tags, and safely ensconced in both the orange package will be inserted neatly into the internal mail.

PC Bloggs will receive the parcel gratefully, delighted to see that all she need do is run out and arrest the named person, with all enquiries done ready for a criminal prosecution. If she has time, PC Bloggs might even send a thankful email to Maria, making sure to point out that whilst Sergeant Steelbutt's behind is nice and everything, Inspector Shagabout has much tighter trousers.

On her next night shift, PC Bloggs will turn up at said offender's doorstep and march him into custody with the proud feeling of someone about to gain a detection for her force. Five hours later, the prisoner is released from custody with no charge when the CPS point out that:

• The exhibits are numbered incorrectly and have been lost in the property store.
• The CCTV stills of the offender are blurred, do not show the offence and the date is wrong.
• Two of the witnesses have not signed their statements.
• There is no evidence that the person arrested had anything to do with the crime.
  
• There is no evidence that a criminal offence has actually taken place.

A better use for Maria's mound of paper



Maybe it should be possible to investigate crime from behind a desk. Maybe it's the rules about exhibit-numbering, identification, CCTV and evidence that need changing.

Maybe until they do, Maria would be better off being trained up as an actual police officer. Until then, at least you know who to call if you have a question about someone's bum.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Copyright of PC Bloggs.